Dear Diary
by Silvertabby44
Summary: When a kiss turns a student/teacher relationship into a confusing battle of emotions, Kakashi finds himself questioning his sanity. How can they tell if its love, lust, or a way to hide from the problems in life. KakaXSaku rated L for Lemon!
1. It started with a kiss

So for the longest time my computer had a virus on it but now all is good back to the writing! ^_^ so here is a new Fanfic! Sorry but I am no longer writing Lonely& broken (TT_TT)P

Any who! I came up with this story while my computer was on sick leave and I could not get it out of my head! so here it is! I called it Dear Diary and I will tell you that it has my warning that some of the things in it will not set well with some, just remember that it's a story and none of it is real and you don't have to read it if you don't like it. (U_U) this chapter isn't graphic but there is some under age stuff going down... with that said enjoy! ^_^

I do not own Naruto or any of its characters!

This fic was Beta read by DarkSacredJewelXoX

* * *

Dear Diary

Chapter 1: It started with a Kiss

* * *

My story is not a one based off of a clean slate. There are twist and turns of secrets and untold feelings of regret, over ruled by lust and need. I write this to tell of my story; it is one of truth and there are no stones unturned. I am Haruno Sakura, I am nineteen years old and this is my story.

Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets  
Cause you're the only one that I know who'll keep  
them  
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets  
I know you'll keep them, and this is what I've  
done

* * *

It is late spring only a few more days left before summer. The air is nice and warm the breeze calming, soothing, but not for me. This is a year for me that I find to be the hardest on my heart, still dealing with the day to day struggles that most teen girl face at age sixteen. I am also suffering from the broken heart brought on by the loss of Sasuke. In the end Naruto was not able to persuade him back to the village and they fight, ending with the loss of Sasuke's I sit here now on this nice warm day only feeling as if it is as dark as a night without stars or the moon.

I was sitting by the stream we would all spent our free time at as Team 7. I needed to get away from everyday life, away from family and friends that say things to me like, "We know how you feel Sakura. its okay" or "We know what you are going through, everything will be alright." It wasn't okay and they didn't know. I needed to get away from that. My usual place of solitude being the west bridge was too obvious a place for people to find me so I found myself here, soaking my feet in the cold water rushing over my skin, watching as the small fish below swam past and between my feet.

Kakashi is the only one who could find me out here in the forest. I know he isthere behind me, but I play it off like he wasn't, I guess I still blame him for Sasuke although it was Naruto who killed him. He is now standing beside me, just looking down at the water streaming by. We still do not talk.

"I'm sorry… I can't stress that enough, but I can see that forgiving me is not on your roster of things to do this week."

"You let Sasuke die."

I still do not look at him, but he is now sitting himself down next to me.

"I know, but there was nothing I could do about it. One way or another he made up his mind. He wasn't coming back to Konoha to start over a new life, he only meant to destroy it for revenge over the death of the Uchiha clan. He betrayed us and my first priority is to protect this village and those in it. I would kill or let die any one opposed to that...even if it is someone I was close to."

I turn to him, but his eyes are on the water. I can only see the bark blue of his hitai-ite and his navy blue mask shadowed by the shad of the trees above us.

"Even if you love them?"

He turns his attention to me; I now see his visible right eye. It reminds me of stone: cold and lifeless, but strong and unmovable.

"To betray someone you love, you are telling them you do not love them at all. There is no love in a relationship with out sacrifice. Selfishness is not an option in a team. Sasuke did not love you Sakura."

His words are not meant to hurt me, but I find myself crying. He is only telling me the truth and the truth hurts.

I don't know if it is his way of comforting me or if it is his way of telling me it wasn't really his fault, but he is sorry. I cannot remember why or how it turned this way but his lips are now on mine. I am in shock, but he seems to not notice. It is the first time I have ever been kissed and I think that he knows this. The kiss is soft, slow, and warm. His hand is in my hair kneading my scalp, but he is also guiding me, showing me the right way to move my mouth with his. I feel him moving closer and now he is pressed against me. His body is hot; even through his thick shirt and vest I can feel the heat of him… it is comforting and alluring, I feel safe and kept in his hands. I feel his tongue press slightly against my closed lips. This action leads me to think he wants his tongue in my mouth. I feel unsure and that makes me feel embarrassed, but I part my lips and let his warmth fill my mouth. It is awkward, I am not sure of what it is I am supposedto do, but he soon shows me the way to move my tongue with his and now our tongues are dancing.

Just as quickly as it starts, Sensei is breaking the kiss and he is now standing. His mask is in place but I can feel the weight of his guilt.

"I am sorry Sakura I should not have done that."

I feel as if I have done something wrong and now I am apologizing too but he is quick to reject my apology.

"No, Do not apologies, you have done nothing wrong. It was me who started it. I am your sensei and it was very wrong of me to kiss you."

Before I can speak, he has turned his back on me and is now walking away. I stay watching him leave.

Hours later, I am in my room. I still do not understand what has happened between me and Kakashi sensei. I know that we shared a kiss, one that was shared between a sixteen year old girl and a twenty-nine year old man. When I go over it in my head, it is wrong. Perhaps he knows this and that is why he left the way he did, but I am partly to blame. I could have stopped him at the start.

* * *

Weeks later, I got fed up with being ignored by him in passing and having him brush me off by telling me he had missions. I stood at his door, waiting for him to open it. It sounded like he was cleaning up last minute before the he opened the door.

"Is there something wrong?"

He looks frustrated and annoyed. I shake my head.

"Then why are you here?"

"Can I come in?"

I hear him sigh; he doesn't want me to come in, but he moves out of the way to let me in anyway. He closes the door after I am inside. I look around. The room is small there is a small kitchen and table in the corner to my left, a desk and a closet occupying the side to my right, and a single bed in the corner of the room next to the window. It is the first time I am in his room, but I guess there are a lot of firsts for me being around him lately.

"Why are you here Sakura?" he repeats.

The tone of his voice is not angry or upset. I turn to look at him he is leaning against his table, his arms crossed at his chest and I blush. He is fully dressed in his Jounin clothes without the vest, but still it makes my belly flutter. He is everything the dictionary saysmasculine is. I find him attractive and I am not sure if this attraction was always there or if it was brought on by the kiss we shared in the forest by that stream. I feel insecure in his presence and I lose my train of thought. Why _am_ I here?

I look at the floor. I am not sure why I am in his apartment. I just want to be. I hear him walking towards me. He stops right in front of me; his body is close to mine. I hear him speak and his voice is different than when I first entered.

"Tell me why you came here, Sakura."

The sound of his voice makes my stomach flutter nervously and I bite my lip. His hand is on my cheek while the other is placed on his mask, the closer he gets the lower is goes.

"Is this what you came here for?"

Before I can register his words, his lips are pressed against mine. It is just like the first time, but more familiar. He is walking me back into the bed and I am now being seated on the olive green sheriken printed bedding. He then breaks the kiss and turns to close the curtains. He turns back to me and I find myself feeling disappointed. The first time he acted quickly and I didn't get the chance to see him, and now in the safety of his small apartment room I still have yet to see his face. It is like the shadows of his studio are binding to his will, shielding what he has uncovered. His movements are swift and smooth. It is hard to stay focused on what he looks like with his tongue in my mouth and for the most part I stop caring, his looks lost and forgotten on my mind. His tongue licks the roof of my mouth and rolls with and around my own tongue. I can taste the sweetness of his saliva coating my inexperienced muscle and I start to feel hot, mainly between my legs.

He sucks at my lips and plays in my hair, but his hands never roam past my shoulders like I want them to. I felt the wetness building up between my legs and the wet material of my panties sticking to my sex is annoying me. With his keen sense of smell, I wonder if he can smell my arousal. He soon stops and pulls his mask back into place. I know he has a look of disappointment in his eyes but I do now understand why. He turns and looks the other way, seeming to examine his curtains and when he looks my way again, he smiles. I think he smiles so I do not blame myself for his previous look. He ruffles my hair like a child and stands.

"You should go. I'm sure you have other things to be doing then sitting here in my room on my bed… with me… you need to go."

"I'm sorry!"

I jump up to plead with him to let me stay a little longer, buthe stops me with a smile and ushers me to the door. He turns me to him and kisses me on the cheek before opening the door and pushing me out. I walk away and continue on with my day but my thoughts are full of sensei and his skilled tongue.

* * *

The next day I am at his door again. He opens it and he lets me in. I sit on the bed and he comes to join me. He closes the curtain and then his hands are in my hair, I think he like the feel of my hair because he always plays with it. He removes his mask and starts to kiss me but this time his kisses are hungry and urgent. He is moving fast and it scares me. I know he feels me tense because he is now stopping and backing off. He sits with his face in his hands.

"What am I doing?" I watch him shack his head so I touch his shoulder but he shrugs me off. "I shouldn't be doing this with you. It's wrong."

"But I want you to…"

He looks at me, but I still cannot see his face completely. He moves closer, but his movements are unsure. He is kissing me again and I feel his body pressing against mine. He starts to move over me, forcing me to lean back against the bed. His hands are not touching me. He has them placed firmly on the bed at either side of me; his kiss is not as it was minutes ago, but not quite as gentle as the last two times. I try something new and put my arms around his neck pulling him closer. He breaks the kiss but he does not pull away.

"Open your mouth."

I do as he tells me.

"Now suck my tongue."

He slides his tongue back in my mouth and I do as he asked, sucking and scraping my own tongue against his as I sucked it. I felt him groan in satisfaction and it sent shockwaves through my belly and down between my legs. He stops and pulls back slowly. I wonder why. I watch him sit up. He didn't look upset or disappointed with what had happened this time, but he didn't smile either.

"You should go now. I have things to do, reports to turn in, and a book to read."

I stand. I know he doesn't mean to hurt my feelings. This is just his way of keeping me at an arm's length. He stands and walks me to the door, kisses me on the forehead and I leave.

* * *

Days go by and then weeks and we continue this kissing game. I would show up in the morning and we would kiss. Sometimes we would talk before hand, but once I felt like wanting more he would stop and say,

"You should go now, I have things to do."

I stand and he walks me to the door, kisses he on my cheek or my forehead, and then I leave. We only kiss and he never moves his hands anywhere but my arms, my face, and my hair. Maybe this is his way of keeping himself in check and maybe this is why he never moves his kisses from my lips. I must stay honest with myself: I wish he wouldn't keep his reserve; I want him to do more.

* * *

So that's it for chapter 1: Its starts with a kiss.

chapter three: It is wrong!

will be posted soon so look for it! If you like this chapter then you will like the chapters to come but I do warn you the upcoming chapters take a turn to dirty villa. please review I like it when people review! ^_^


	2. It Is wrong!

So here is Chapter 2 It is wrong! I hope you all have been enjoying the story so far and you like this one. ^_^ pleace review It makes me love you!

This fic was Beta read by DarkSacredJewelXoX

* * *

Dear Diary

Chapter 2: It is wrong!

* * *

It's not always rainbows and butterflies  
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah  
my heart is full and my door's always open  
You can come anytime you want

Every day I come to his apartment. We do the same routine and today seems no different. With the heat of summer, I had dressed in a jean skirt and red tank top. I feel him eyeing my legs since I am not wearing my tights I chose not to so I could see how he would react to seeing my bare legs. With the hot day outside and the lack of an air-conditioning in his apartment, Sensei was wearing a tight, black, sleeveless shirt that showed off his muscles perfectly and a pair of shorts that exposed his nicely toned leg muscles. He walks over to me from his position in his small kitchen to sit down next to me on his bed, but when he moves in to kiss me I pull away. He tilts his head in confusion. He gazes at me questioningly, his hand paused at his mask, ready to pull it down for our lips to mate.

"Can't we do more?" I ask.

He hesitates and thinks carefully about his answer. "No we can't…" He sits up right and seems upset.

"Why?" I probe.

He looks at me with confusion as to why I would ask such a question with such an obvious answer.

"Because it _is_ wrong, Sakura! Shit … me kissing you _is_ wrong, you sitting on my bed _is_ wrong!"

He does not raise his voice, but it is apparent that he is angry with what I am asking of him.

"Then why do you let it happen?"

I sound hurt and sad, ready to cry. He looks into my eyes, his onyx and blood red eyes are sad too and I worry that he will ask me to leave. He opens his mouth to speak.

"Because Sakura, I am a sick individual… and you keep coming back."

"Do you not want me to come here anymore?"

My voice is small and I am frightened; I fear that he will say yes. His eyes turn dark and I cannot read them. "That's the problem Sakura; I want to _hear_ you come." I watch as his hand tugs his mask down but he move into me before I can see his face and his lips are on mine, hungry and urgent, but this time I do not fear him or what will happen.

I feel his hands reach for me and he pulls me down onto the mattress. His fingers brushmy naked thigh and he his caressing me there. This is new, but I decide that I like his hand on this unexplored territory. Sensei moves his hand up my skirt a little then down to the side and under my thigh. He brings my leg up to his hip and holds it there; I let my other leg fall open slightly to let him get closer. Now his body is pressed down against mine. As his hands roam my legs our tongues tangle in an act I wish our bodies could commit. I moan my satisfaction in his mouth and to my gift of sound, he praises me with a gift of his own as he shifts his weight to the leg he still had resting on the floor. I feel a poke to my center. It is brief, but apparent that this kissing session was having a big effect on him. To test my assumption, I lift my hips to meet his and when I am greeted by the erection growing between his legs, I grind against him. I am surprised by the response he gives me. His hips grind down into me. He grips my thigh in the process and a primal groan escapes his throat.

"Umm… Sensei …"

These words slip from my lips and the reaction is not good. Sensei is pulling back. He stops kissing me and sits up on the bed. His face is in his hands and he is shaking his head. He then stands up with his back to me. I watch as he slides his hand down the front of his shorts to adjust his erection he then stands with one hand on his hip and the other scratching the back of his head; he seems let down. I do not know if he is disappointed in me or himself maybe both. I think that I took things too far for him; he still has not turned to look back to me.

"Sensei, talk to me please." My voice is small and a bit breathless from the kissing.

"This is wrong Sakura; I wish you could see things my way."

"I don't see anything wrong; I don't think it's wrong…"

He turns to me I can see he is angry, "It is wrong! _This_ is wrong," he gestured to his erection, not too visible, but it was still obvious that he had a hard on.

"I am a grown man kissing and grinding my cock on a young girl! You are so smart Sakura; I would think you would know what statutory rape was, but no. Here you are letting me stick my tongue down your throat and lay between your legs."

The emotion was showing in his voice and that scares me. I have never seen my Sensei break like this, but here he is breaking down before me... because of me.

"I can't resist you and you purposely taunt me by wearing that skirt… go home Sakura!"

The last of his words were stern and direct. It was a tone that meant _"I will not repeat myself"_ so I stand and walk past him to the door. I open it and look back at him, but he is looking to the wall and not me. I walk out and close the door behind me, walking down the stairs and out into the now busy streets of Konoha.

* * *

A week passes and every timeI go to his door, I knock, butno one answers. I do not see him on the streets or anywhere around the village. I assume he is on a mission, but I worry he is just avoiding me.

It is hot today, the hottest day of the summer so far this year. I am at the local waterfall with my friends Ino, Hinata, and Tenten. We watch the boys playing some sort of game of water tag mixed with wrestling. Naruto is roughly playing with Kiba and soon they are all in a big guy pile in the shallow end of the water. I find that none of the local boys my age are appealing to me and I guess that no guy my own age will be right in my mind after I have experienced what I have with Kakashi-sensei. I wonder where he could be and my gaze drifts over to the opposite side of the river flowing from the water fall pool. I see Gai and Iruka-sensei. They are throwing around a yellow football. I see Kurenai Sensei and she is talking to Anko who is sitting next to (to my surprise) Kakashi-sensei.

He was lying back under a tree on a large blue towel. He was not wearing a shirt, much like Gai and Iruka, but unlike them, I find his body attractive. I have never seen Sensei without a shirt and his muscles are defined. His skin has an olive tint to it and the sweat his body has built up from sitting out in the sun, making him all the more appetizing to stare at. He is wearing an allergy mask to cover his face and he wasn't talking. His attention is on the green book in his hand, the last book to the Icha Icha series and the last book Jiraiya would ever write. I tried not to watch him, but my focus would occasionally wonder back over to see if he was still there.

When I look back, I see that Anko has her arms draped over him. She is whispering things into his ear and I feel jealous. Anger tightens in my belly and I cannot look away from him. I watch as she plays with his hair and his mask. He moves away a few times and that assures me he is just tolerating her presence in order to be among the friends he hardly has time for. I look him over again and I catch his eyes. We became locked in a gaze. My stomach flutters with butterflies and I begin to blush, my body beginning to feel hot. Shivers and sparks rush though me and wetness pools in the center of my bikini bottom. I turn my face away, but my eyes are still on his. He soon breaks the spell, interrupted by Anko and I watch him stand, collect his things, and begin walking away. I question if he is leaving because of me or if it because of Anko, who is watching him leave with a pout on her face. Kurenai-sensei says something I can't hear and they start a conversation of their own.

I turn over to the girls and hear them talking about boys.

"What do you know Ino? I bet you haven't even kissed a boy," Tenten says and Ino puffs up like a balloon.

"I have too!"

I don't believe her. Ino tells me everything and she would tell me if she kissed a guy, but she is my best friend so I say nothing.

"Really then who was he?!"

"I'm not telling you!"

"It's because he isn't real!"

"No it's because I find it embarrassing!"

"Anyway." Tenten now turns to me. "What about you Sakura? Have you ever kissed a boy?"

"No…" I do not feel like I am lying, Kakashi Sensei is in no way a boy.

"Sakura would tell me. I'm her best friend!"

This makes me feel bad. I cherish Ino's friendship we do tell each other everything, but maybe Kakashi-sensei is right. What we are or were doing was wrong and maybe this is why I haven't told her.

Later on that day, Ino, Hinata, and I helped Kurenai Sensei move some things around her apartment to make room for the new baby. Anko was there, too. As us younger girls helped move, I listened to Kurenai and Anko's conversation in the kitchen.

"What is wrong with him?!"

"Who?" ask Kurenai.

"One-eyed Kakashi!" exclaims Anko.

"Oh… why don't you leave him alone? Kakashi is in a world of his own, you know that. Kakashi makes time for no women, let alone himself." I the pregnant women laugh.

"Really now… well he seems to make time for someone we know."

I hear what sounds like a cup being set on the counter top.

"Who?" Their voices get lower, but I can still hear them.

"Well I saw little miss pinky going up to his apartment the other day."

"Pinky?" speaks the illusionist.

"Umm.." I could only guess to whom she was referring.

"Oh! …No, she's sixteen Anko and Kakashi may be a pervert, but that's low."

"Oh yeah? Well last week I saw her going over to his place and he closed the curtains."

"So… how long was she up there for?"

"Half an hour I think."

"Well there you go!"

"It could have been a quickie!"

"I don't know, rumor has it Kakashi is an hourly all night long kind of lay. A cousin of a friend of mine slept with him and she said that she had seven orgasms before he came and you could even ask her neighbors; they kept them up all night."

I heard them share a laugh. Ino Interrupted my listening to ask me to move some things in the back of Sensei's apartment to the front room and when I come back I heard Anko say, "If there isn't anything going on between them, then why did he keep looking over at her today at the waterfall?"

"Anko, come on. He could have been looking at anything and like I said, it's Hatake Kakashi. He wouldn't do that with her or any other sixteen year old girl."

"You're wrong Kurenai, she was checking out Iruka, too."

I had a enough of her talking so I focused on helping Kurenai rearrange her apartment.

* * *

It is dark when we finished and I now stand at his door. I am still upset with what I had heard Anko saying at Kurenai-sensei's. I knock and Kakashi Sensei opens the door. He is not wearing a shirt. He still has on the allergy mask from that afternoon and a pair of black sweat pants. The sight of him like this makes me blush. He is surprised to see me so late at night, but he lets me in anyway. He looks concerned and asks if I am alright. I do not answer him, my back is to him and I am looking out the window. I hear him close the door and lock it then he walks over to the window to close the curtain and sits down. He looks at me and nods his head as if I have just told him a bit of information that he agreed on. He then beckons me to the bed to join him and I go. I stop before him and he looks me over.

"A skirt huh?" He is smiling, teasing me.

"It's hot out," I pout.

He nods again and backs himself onto the bed, stopping when his back hits the cool surface of his apartment wall. He watches me. There is no emotion in his eyes as he looks me up and down; I wonder what it is he is thinking. Sensei holds out his hand to me.

"Come here."

He demands and I obey. I crawl over to him and sit facing him at his side. He pulls me onto his lap; I am on top of my Sensei; my legs are on either side of him, open to him. My skirt has ridden up slightly and I am aware of not wearing my tights on this summer day.

He pulls me closer still and now I am aware of only having the fabric of our clothes keeping our sexes apart. Sensei places his hands on my hips and then moves them slowly around to my back and they stop there. I feel his thumbs draw small circles at the base of my back. It feels nice to me and I find the feeling he is involving me in indescribable and it sets my body on fire.

"Close your eyes."

His voice is deep and alluring. I do as he says and I can hear him removing the allergy mask. Kakashi-sensei leans in and starts by kissing me on my chin and then under it and down the path under my jaw, He then kisses his way down my throat and onto my collar bone. I softly moan as he presses his lips a little firmer against my skin, kissing his way across my collar bone to the other side and then up to my shoulder. He teases the flesh there with the tip of his tongue, dragging it up towards my neck and kissing his way back down to my shoulder again. He removed the spaghetti strap of my tank top and my bra strap down my arms in the process. I open my mouth in awe at the hot sensation he is creating in between my thighs without touching me there. I arch my back to him and press my breasts against his hard naked chest as he kisses, sucks, and nips at the flesh over the jugular of my neck. He moves up to nip my ear lobe, kissing his way over my jaw line and back to my chin.

"Open your mouth for me."

And I do. I feel his tongue fill my mouth and I begin to suck it and caress it with my own. He groans in his chest and pulls me closer, deepening the kiss. I feel his hands begin to move up and down my back, one moving down into the back of my skirt and the other up under my top. He moves his hand back up my spine, but it soon finds its way back down into the back of my skirt, a little farther than the last time. He does this three times, each timegoing deeper into my skirt. The fourth time his hand slips into my panties and down my backside,firmly squeezing my round derrière. I rock my hips forward and find that I wasn't the only one aroused at this point, but instead of sliding my hips back I pushed down against him and rock my hips against his building erection. He does not push me away or stop me so I test the water and do it again and again. Sensei pulls my skirt up, exposing a bit of panties and grinds up against me, groaning in my mouth his pleasure as I moan too and grind back. We are now dry humping and I can feel the fullness of his cock from under his black sweats and I want more.

I am starting to feel really hot and Sensei has stopped kissing me on the mouth and is now kissing my shoulder. I feel a tingling building up inside me at my core and I am feeling a fever over take my body along with an incredible urge to ride him harder and faster. I feel as if I have no control over my body and I am falling, the room seems to start spinning, and Kakashi is watching me his face has a look of pain and he looks breathless. I am panting for air and I feel as if sparks are going off inside me, I clinch Sensei's shoulders and a cry rips through me.

"Ahh! Sensei-"

I decide then and there that I want to go all the way. I hook my fingers into his sweats and began to tug them down, but he stops me. I lay against him and he caresses my hair, but it is short lived and he sits me up right. He looks me over, but he says nothing as he gets off the bed and pulls on a shirt complete with mask. And it hits me: I was staring straight at him without his mask on and didn't even notice. I had also let go of my anger toward Anko but I guess I forgot about that by the time he smiled at me.

"You should go it's really late." He isn't looking at me and I feel weary.

"Are you upset with me?"

"No… not at you anyway, but you should go I have things to work out."

He looks at me and I know he is smiling. I also make note that he is not hiding his erection from me, but after what we just did or I should say what I just did, there isn't really a point. I stand and straighten out my clothes and he walks me to his door.

"Sakura… I'm going on a mission tomorrow and I want be back until sometime next year."

"What about your birthday?"

"I thing you gave me a pretty good gift to have for the trip, thank you."

I remain silent for a moment. I'm going to miss him terribly, but I have to be strong. We were ninja after all. "Okay then, be careful out there and don't die on me, okay."

"I won't promise anything. Goodnight Sakura." He smiles.

"Good night Kakashi sen-"

"Kakashi will be fine, Sakura."

I nod and I leave his apartment.

* * *

So chapter 3 will be up soon and its only going to get filthy! If you like it dirty then read chapter 3 too! ^_^

chapter 3: birthday gifts


	3. birthday gifts

So I re-posted chapters 1-3 and some stuff has changed I hope you all still like it! ^_^

Fanfic may case suaver blushing, heat in your pants and wet shorts, this story is entitled for viewers 18 years and up.

This fic was Beta read by DarkSacredJewelXoX

and brought to you by fan fiction dot com... unleash your imagination... and unbutton your pants... I am just kidding... no I'm not.

* * *

Dear Diary

Chapter 3: Birthday gifts

Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed  
And I wanna crawl in with you  
But I cry instead  
I want your warmth, but it will only make  
Me colder when it's over, So I can't tonight, baby

* * *

The seasons came and went, summer flickered by in a flash and fall was no different.

It is a new year and only four more days till my birthday. Kakashi-sensei still has yet to return, but I am confident that he is fine and I pray to the gods he will find his way home soon for my seventeenth birthday.

The winter seems to be coming to an end, but its it hard to tell if the sun will keep away another snow storm. The weather has this crazy habit of going hot and sunny one day and then cold and frigid the next.

For the four days leading to my birthday, Ino will be staying with me. Her mother is out of town for business and her father is on a mission. Not that a soon to be seventeen year old girl needs super vision, especially if that soon to be seventeen year old girl was also a kunoichi, but I wanted to spent this week with my best friend and since Kakashi has yet to return. I have been feeling really down and missing him. I feel as if I have been passing if off well with my friends and family, but the closer I get to my birthday, the more depressed I feel. I still cannot believe I made it through Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's Day without giving into depression. Everyone around me seems to have a boyfriend or girlfriend now and I thought for a while that I shouldn't rely on my little love affair with Kakashi-sensei. He is older than me and I should be dating boys my own age. That and it is possible that he wouldn't want anything to do with me after he comes back and it was clear before he had left that Anko has a thing for him, but still I hope he will come back and want me the same or even more.

"Are you okay?" Ino's voice snaps me out of my daze I turn to her and eagerly nod my head.

"I'm fine."

"You have been saying that for the longest! I know that there is something on your mind just tell me so we can work this thing out of your big billboard brow!"

I hate her choice of words, but she is right. I do need to talk about my frustrations, but I can't possibly tell her about me and Kakashi so I chose to redirect the question.

"Okay… I was just thinking… if two people were having an affair that was against the law, would you fault them?" Ino is quiet. she is thinking about it.

"No, it's not my business…"

"But what if you know them personally; you like them both and probably respect them?"

"Still, It's not my place to guide them, especially if I respect them or if they are my friends. Who am I to tell someone who they should love or have feelings for? I mean we're shinobi, our days are numbered."

I do not know what comes over me, but I feel like I should be convincing Ino to go against the idea.

"I kissed Kakashi-sensei…"

She is silent and there is a blank look on her face.

"Like on the cheek right?"

"No… _like…_on the mouth."

Ino rushes from her position on the floor to sit with me on my bed. She is eager to hear more and shakes me vigorously.

"Tell me everything!"

"I can't. I can get into trouble, _he_ can get into trouble. I can't even believe I told you. Do not tell a soul!"

She holds up her hands, "I won't! I cross my heart and swear to never tell a soul!" she crosses her chest.

"Not even Naruto… definitely not the him! If Naruto knew he would freak!"

"I take it to my grave." She states this seriously. I believe her and nod my agreement. "So… did he use his tongue?"

I blush at her question and nod. "Yes…"

"How many times have you kissed him?"

The question leaves me feeling nervous. I don't want to kiss and tell, but this is Ino I'm talking to.

"A few times," I lie; it was for a whole month. To be exact or a month in a half I think. Ino asked me more questions like did we do anything else, but I didn't tell her about the night before he left and the kissing session that turned into an orgasmic dry hump on top of his shuriken sheets. After our talk about Kakashi-sensei, I feel a little better and we soon find ourselves setting up to go to sleep. Ino lies down in her sleeping bag on the floor. I'm on my bed and I reach over to the lamp on my bed stand table, turning off the light. I lie down and stare at the darkened ceiling I still feel conflicted about Kakashi-sensei and I think maybe I should just forget about him. It would be for the best... right?

"Sakura… are you in love with him?"

"In love with Kakashi-sensei...I don't think I'm in love with him, but I do love him."

I feel like I am lying to myself when I say this, but I don't want to think I am in love with Kakashi-sensei just because we shared a few kisses and fondling. Strangely, I feel as if I should tell myself that I do love him, that I am in love with him. Before he left, he asked if I wouldonly call him Kakashi and maybe that was his way of telling me to see him in a different light. I then decide that from this day on I will only call him Kakashi.

"Goodnight Ino…"

"Night Sakura."

* * *

Tonight is the night of my birthday. It is snowing again; the sky is gray and the breeze is brisk. I am in the kitchen of the home of my mother and I. All of my friends and family are here. I am dressed in a simple red dress whose skirt flares out. The material is light and flows gracefully when I walk. The lights suddenly go out and the only glow is coming from the candles ona white frosted cake with strawberries decorating it. It reads "Happy Birthday Sakura". I smile, I know that my mom must have spent a lot of time making it look so beautiful. Everyone begins to sing Happy Birthday and I laugh nervously, slightly embarrassed. I look around the small room at all the faces of friends and family and see that they are all singing, happily clapping along to the beat. A soul figure takes my attention. He is tall and he's the only one not singing. He leans against the wall, his arms folded across his chest. The flickering of amber, gold, and red-orange dance along the walls and play in the thick, sliver locks of hishair. My eyes lock on to a single onyx orb and I am enchanted, spellbound.

I know he is smiling and perhaps he knows what I intend to wish for…

I hope he does…

After the candles go out and the cake is cut and served, I look around the room to find Kakashi is nowhere to be found. I continue searching and spot that the balcony door is cracked open, the breeze blowing the curtains. I maneuver my way over without being stopped and when I step out, I am greeted by the chill of the night; I see that it is not snowing anymore. A hand takes my arm and quickly tugs me into the shadows of the balcony, pinning me between his body and the wall. A firm pair of lips crash into mine and when I gasp in surprise, his tongue is thrust into my orifice. A strong gloved hand eases up the hem of my dress slides across my thigh, griping it hard. He presses his body tightly against mine and groans with pleasure. He has his other hand against my cheek, caressing my face. I hum my approval, but with the sound of someone nearing the door, I quickly push him away and a light chuckle escapes his chest.

"What if someone sees us?" I look around nervously to see no one.

"Isn't this what you have been wanting me to do from the beginning?"

I am not amused by his behavior. He comes closer and his lips are to my ear. "I am a ninja Sakura, people won't see unless I want them to see."

"What has gotten into you?" I whisper back.

I'm afraid that someone will come out and find us like this. Kakashi is playing with my hair and now he smells it.

"I missed you, did you miss me?"

"I always do…"

His hand is on my belly and is traveling down to my thigh again. It then moves its way up the skirt of my dress. I bit my lip. His fingers are hot even in this cold weather. His body heat is making my own flesh warm immensely. I feel his hand making its way up to my center. Kakashi is now kissing my neck and his hand is petting my sex over the fabric of my lace panties. I softly moan his name when I feel the back of his fingers snake inside them and caress my sensitive clit.

"I have a gift for you."

His voice is husky and deep. It sends shivers down my spine and down into my panties moisture to my core. I hum my answer and he continues.

"But you must give me something first."

I look into his eyen questioning what he wants from me. He moves in and licks my ear lobe, his voice is dangerous.

"Come for me."

With his words, he pulls aside the flimsy now wet lace material covering my throbbing womanhood. I feel the pad of his thumb run along my wet slit and then back using his middle finger, I arch my back to the feel of his strong digit dip into my warmth. It's a tight fit and I hear him catch his breath in awe to the tightness of my walls around his thick middle finger. His hand that was placed in my hair is now pulling up my leg to gain better access to my cavern. His finger is stroking inside of me, massaging my slick walls. His tongue found its way back inside of my mouth and imitated what his finger is doing inside of my gushing sex. I moan in his mouth and he chuckles back.

His wickedness is sending electricity through my body and I see stars. My body is shaking and I feel the tightness of my vaginal walls stretch when a second finger is pushed inside me and presses firmly against the spot he had been stroking, making my legs feel weak and feverish. My body is quickly beginning to lose control; I break the kiss to catch my breath and grip tight on to the hand between my legs, rocking my hip to the pace of his fingers. I am close! So very close! I can feel my walls convulse and clamp around his flexing fingers. They quake and force me to come undone and I surrender; my mouth opens to cry out in ecstasy, but it is quickly muffled by his large gloved hand and a covered smirk pulls across his lips.

When I come down from my orgasmic high, he leans in and whispers, "Happy Birthday."

He then moved his hand from between my legs and held up his two fingers that showed proof of what his fingers could do to me. I watched as he raised his other hand to his mask and to my surprise he tugs it down; he smirks wickedly and brings his fingers to his mouth. He licks them, separating them with the tip of his tongue then sliding them into his mouth to lick them clean; he hummed in pleasure while he did so. The act in itself was enough to want him to finger me all over again. This was the first time I really got the chance to see his face and it is an image I will never forget; His eye closed in ecstasy with his lips wrapped around his fingers that had just been pleasuring me. I find him beautiful a lot more handsome then Sasuke; you could even say he was prettier than a woman, but not feminine looking like one. He pulls his fingers from his closed lips and his tongue follows, deliciously licking his lips like my cream is the best meal he has ever had.

"Mmm succulent…"

"Is this my gift?"

My voice is dry and horse and I clear my throat. He chuckles, shrugs off his jacket, and wraps it around me, giving me a quick kiss on lips. He leans against the plastered wall. I get a good look at him and see that he is dressed in jeans and his Jonin shirt. I find the look of him dressed this way sexy.

"No, this is not your gift. I was in a hurry to make it here and I left it on my desk." He pulls his mask back up when he hears someone coming. It's Naruto. He smiles and rushes to join us on my balcony.

"Hey, everyone was looking for you birthday girl! And I can't believe you made it Kaka-sensei, but why are you both out here in the cold?" He then looks from Kakashi over to me.

"We were just talking Naruto; you know how I hate crowded places. I was on my way out anyway as I have a mission report to turn in by morning."

Kakashi then comes to me, embracing me tightly and wishes me another happy birthday, obviously loud enough for Naruto to hear, but then whispers, "Come to my apartment for your real gift."

He stepped back, smiled, and waved to Naruto then exited the balcony. Naruto then turns to me, a sad look on his face that confuses me.

"What's wrong Naruto?"

"You didn't hear us looking for you? How long were you out here with him before I noticed?"

"Why does it matter?" It slightly startles me to hear Naruto distrusting Kakashi and I. Even if we are doing things, I really don't see how Naruto could have caught on to us. He's been gone for half a year. "Naruto, I don't understand what you are talking about. What, do you not trust Kakashi with me?"

His expression changes to one of pent up anger. "I just over heard some things about the two of you before he left and it just hasn't set well with me."

"Really like what?" I ask, although I can figure out what he is talking about. I guess that Anko just couldn't get over the whole brush off Kakashi gave her at the waterfall and went around saying I was sleeping with him.

"I heard Anko telling some staff girls at the tower that you and him slept together. I don't believe her, but I guess anything is possible."

"We haven't sleep together and he was gone this whole time how could we have!?"

"I said it was before he left. She also said she saw you leaving his place the night before he left."

"Well she's wrong and you shouldn't believe everything people gossip about!"

Even if it was slightly true. I go back inside to rejoin my party when Ino comes over to me and whispers in my ear, "Kakashi just left, is everything ok?"

I nod and my mom announces its time to open presents. By the time the party ended, everyone was practically gone. Only Hinata, Ino, and Naruto had stayed behind to help me and my mom clean. I was picking up cups and empty soda bottles when Naruto came over to me.

"I'm sorry Sakura. You are right; I shouldn't believe what Anko said."

"Thank you Naruto." And we hug.

* * *

That night, I lay in my bed thinking of what had taken place on my balcony during my party. I don't understand what got into him; he was being so sexual and so playfully wicked. His hand between my legs made me feel as if the floor beneath me would give way and when it did, mylegs stopped working properly;all time had stopped as if only he and I were the only two people in existence. A tap at my window takes my attention off my thoughts. I slip from the bed over to my large window and open it. A shadowed figure pushes his way in and closes the window. He is wearing a big black cloak, his head is hooded and when he removes it I am filled with relief.

"What are you doing here?" I whisper. He is closing my pink curtains and then turns to walk over to the door locking it before sitting on my bed and shedding his cloak.

"I couldn't wait." He then pulls from his pants pocket a thin, long, black box. I join him on the bed and he opens it for me. It was a silver linked necklace with a small seashell attached to it. The shell is pink and favors a cherry blossom.

"It looks like a cherry blossom petal."

"I found it on the beach during my mission; I thought it looks like that, too. The locals call it a "sakura shell". When they told me this, I thought it would be a nice gift to you for your birthday; do you like it?"

I turn my back to him and move my hair out of the way, exposing my neck to him. He scoots closer and brings the necklace to the front of my neck.

"I love it," I say and he fastens the clip in the back. His hands linger there and I then feel his lips on the back of my neck. His hands are on my shoulders, holding me firmly. "I know I'm being brash Sakura, but when I saw you bathed in the glow of your birthday candles, I thought I should be selfish and have what I want."

He turns me around and my mouth is covered by his. He brings me down onto my bed and lays between my legs. His hands are fisting my hair and my hands run over his steady back. He is grinding against my center; I moan his name and a shiver runs through me as one of his mighty hands finds its way between us and into my pajama pants and panties. I plead with him not to go any farther.

"Please Kakashi, I think you should go. It's late and I don't want someone to see you leaving my window." My voice is breathless; he kisses my cheek and speaks. His voice is raw with need.

"Didn't I tell you before, I am a ninja and people won't see unless I want them to see."

His finger slides into my slit and I arch my back into him and cry in pleasure. He inserts another finger and quickens his pace bringing me to a quick climax. We kiss and I can feel his erection pointing into me. My curiosity overtakes me and my hand drifts down his abdomen and over his bulging jeans.

"Sakura…" he warns me. His voice is breathless and tired as if it was he being pleasured, but I do not stop and I press my hand firmly against his length. To my surprise he grinds it into me eagerly, groaning in the process. He rests his head against mine and allows me to stroke him over and over again, but when I stop to unzip him, his hand stops me.

"Don't Sakura, you can't."

His voice is winded and his plea is very unconvincing. His grip was lacking the urgency to stop me so I continued unzipping him and unfastening his fly. I reach my hand in the opening of his jeans and into the thin material of his underwear; he whimpers weakly, his breath trembling with emotion as my small hand circled around his hot, thick shaft. The size of him in my hand is unbelievable and I think he would never fit inside me.

I bring him out for my eyes to drink inand I pump him up and down. He grips my hand, forcing me to tighten my hold around him the way he likes it and roughly thrust his hips forward fucking my small hand. The sound of him grumbling in my neck in bliss and I decide to pump him harder I feel his body quiver and perhaps he is close to his peak.

"Sakura…ohh Sakura…"

He kisses me hard and groans. I can feel his chest vibrate against me and his older, more experienced hand tightens around my smaller, younger one. His releases my lips and he is short winded, but I do not slow my pace.

"Sa- Sa-… Ahh… I'm coming… apart in your hands…"

A deep primal roar emanated from his chest and he pants as he meets the roll of my hand; hot spurts release from the tip of him and over our joined hands, flooding onto my belly, seeping through the fabric of my pajama pants. I slow my pace in long strokes, milking him of his seed. His body relaxed and he releases my hand. He is now going limp in my grasp. I slowly let him go and he rolls over onto his back next to me, his chest heaves up and down as he tries so catch his breath.

He says nothing. He just stares up at the ceiling; he looks worried. I don't know why and I wonder what he must be thinking about. He gives a heavy sigh and rubs his hand over his face, turns to me, and smiles. He pulls me close and holds me. We are both spent, tired from our shared hand jobs and we soon find sleep. I wake a few times in the night, once to feel him shift against my back, pulling me close and burying his face in my shoulder length hair, and then again to feel him sitting up. The last time, I woke he was gone completely. My window was still open the chilly wind is spilling in. I pull the cover over me to shield myself from the cold and fall back to sleep.

* * *

So tell me what you think for chapter 3 birthday gifts. ^_^

Chapter 4 will be up soon so look for it! chapter 4: Not in control


	4. Not in control

So I know that it took forever but I had to get chapters 1-3 re-posted and I didn't want to post chapter 4 without being beta read... this chapter is the longest of them all so far so I hope it makes you happy I work for a week on it to make it right and thanks to DarkSacredJewelXoX it is some much more than I could hope it to be I hope you all like it so here it is chapter 4...

This fic was Beta read by DarkSacredJewelXoX

* * *

Dear Diary

Yo, well I guess it is my turn. So far you all know one side of this story, but it is now time for me to step up and tell the tale in my perspective. By now, I bet you all have some questions for me, although it's not my place to answer them. You can just hear my side and draw a conclusion from there. My name is Hatake Kakashi, I am 32 years old, and this is my side of this story.

Chapter 4: Not of Control

* * *

Our bodies moved and hardened

Hurting parts of your garden

With no room for pardon

In a place where no one knows what we have done

* * *

About a week after my return to the village and my night spent with Sakura on her birthday, I became very busy, but not on purpose mind you, although I am sure that Sakura doesn't see it that way. I really can't help it if I have mission and tutoring to do. I really would like to spend time with her, but with prying eyes, it makes it difficult to do so. At times I see her on the street, I wave her down and she usually smiles and says hi, but I can't shake the feeling that she is mad that I don't have time to make for her. Then again, I guess I brought it on myself with what I have said to her and with what we have done in our beds.

Today seems to be starting nicely, very warm and not a cloud in the sky. I lay in bed thinking over what is going on in my life and I feel as if everything might go bad. A knock at my door takes me out of my daze and I know it's her. I drag myself out of bed and over to the door. I take a look around to make sure everything is in its place. Of course things are not, but I feel like it's presentable. I open the door and she is standing on my door step. The sight before me makes my heart feel heavy and before I can speak a word, I am being pushed back into my apartment by the force of her body against mine. Her arms surround me, her hands fist at the back of my black sleeveless shirt, and I can feel the hot wetness of her tears seeping into the fabric and onto my skin. I close the door behind her and stand there with her. I can feel her body quaking from the turbulence of her sobs. The only sound coming from the weeping girl around me is the muffled sniffles of her trying to get a grip on her emotions.

I stand there motionless my arms limp at my sides. I'm still a little shocked, but I find myself putting my arms around her, pressing her tightly against my chest in hopes that it just might help her to stop crying. I only cause her to sob harder and louder, so I kiss her hair and smooth my hand over the silken strands of roseate. This time she presses her face deeper into my chest and her grip on me tightens. I press my face into her hair and inhale her scent, this was a mistake. The smell of her taunts me. Her sweet shampoo mixed with her natural scent intoxicates me and I can feel myself harden. I try to keep my head together and focus on her.

"What's wrong Sakura?"

These words flow from my mouth in a deep whisper of lust that wasn't intentional. I feel her head shake left to right as she speaks in muffled sobs. It's hard to make out exactly what she said, but it sounded like she said that her mother is in the hospital.

"Your mother is in the hospital?" I ask to confirm and she nods her head and tries to stop her tears, but I am certain that my shirt if covered in the cause of her tears only made me want to comfort her more. I no longer feel like her mentor so I try to behave like a lover instead.

I lift her face to look into my eyes, but mine cannot leave the soft sexiness of her lips, pushed out slightly in a pout and left open a little. I want to taste her, feel her mouth around my tongue, having her suck and lick on it as if that is all she needs. But no, I hold myself back and kiss her tear stained cheek through my mask. She turns her face and kisses my lips over the fabric; I know what she wants from me and I think it is inappropriate to do this on such bad pretences. I should stop this game we play now before it gets worse.

"I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have came to you. I'll go," she says as she turns to leave.

"Wait…"

I call, but I don't turn fully around. I don't know what to do anymore I am fighting a hard battle inside me that I barely understand. I don't want to hurt her feelings and I know she won't be the only one pained by what I'm about to say.

"I care for you Sakura… but know why you come to me before you do it again."

"I thought you were going to be selfish and start to take what you want?" she says mockingly, ignoring what I said.

"Don't tell me what I said Sakura, I know… but I can't act like a child and do what I want!" I could feel myself growing impatient and frustrated, mainly with myself.

"What, so I'm not old enough to understand your decision?" Her voice is rising into anger and she shakes when she speaks. She is turning my words against me. "I'm old enough to kill, but I'm not old enough to love you!?"

"You don't love me…"

She can't love me. She's too young to know what that word means, but I don't tell her this as I'm not sure I know the meaning ether.

"I do love you."

Her arms link around my midsection and she is pressing her face into my back. I have to hold it together for both our sakes, but my body refuses to listen to my will.

"We hardly know each other outside of missions. I'm older than you; you're under age for that matter. What would people say about us if they found out?"

My father flashed in my mind, his body laying there in the pool of his own blood. His corpse still clutching his blood tainted tanto. I horrifically remember his blood creeping across the wood floors towards my bare feet. I remove her hands from me and turn to her. I try not to look it, but I know that the sadness inside me is showing through my eyes. I feel as if I want to cry and my heart feels as if I am killing it.

"I can't be like my father, understand this Sakura."

I turn away again. I need her to go and she does. I hear the door slam behind her and my legs give way as gravity pulls me to the floor. My heart is pounding in my chest and I bang my fists against the floor to let out some of my pent-up emotions, but it doesn't help. The room is silent and all I can hear is a deadly scream coming from everywhere around me. I cover my ears to block out the sound, but it doesn't seem to stop. The clinching pain in my chest feels a lot like the yelling. I wonder if it is just in my head. After the yelling stops, there is a low whimper and a sob, then silence. My throat hurts I feel exhausted and cold lying on the floor, but soon the world fades to black and I am asleep… I dream of nothing.

* * *

When I wake, it is midday. I lay here on the apartment floor, looking up at the ceiling going over what went on this morning. I don't like letting my fear get to me, but I don't want to end up like my father even if I believe what he did was right. What I'm doing is not and in the end, I would deserve what I get, but Sakura doesn't. I tell myself I did this for her, but I'm scared too and not just of the outcome, but of what I have been feeling for her and what I still feel for her now. I have grown accustom to her being here with me, accustom to what we have been doing, and I really don't want it to end, but it should. I stay in this small room of mine all day, too depressed to get up and do much else when I'm not on missions.

From my spot on the floor, I watched the whole day go by. As night came, I got bored with being on the floor and my back was starting to hurt too. Right when I'm about to get up, a faint knock sounds at my door. I continue to get to my feet. I reach over to the lamp on my window shelf and turn on the light seeing it was now dark outside then walked over to the door and opened it. I'm shocked to see Sakura standing on my door step.

"Don't do this please." I need to fight her. I must, it's for the best.

"I know why I come to you Kakashi even if you don't."

She takes a step forward and I step back. She closes the door and removes her shoes. I feel trapped in my own place. She grabs at me and I move her hands.

"Sakura please!"

I am pleading with her and myself. I feel my barrier chipping away with every step she takes forward and with every touch of her delicate hands; I feel my need to touch her back increase. I continue to fight her off in hope that she'll give in, but I know Sakura better than that. She doesn't give up; her being here now is a sign of that. She is looking into my eyes and I feel weak and vulnerable. I turn my face and shut my eyes, holding her hands still.

"Kakashi… Please… I need you…" Her whispers reach my ears and burrow deep in my heart.

I open my eyes to see hers shining with tears. I am captivated by her beauty. Even as her heart feels as if it is breaking, she's beautiful. I feel her hands on my face and I don't have the strength to move away. Her fingers curl under my mask and begin to pull it down. I feel her lips press against mine and I am forever lost in the heat she is causing inside me. My hands rush up into her hair and I pull her closer so I can taste her deeply. I'm hungry for her and unlike before, she satisfies my hunger with a little more, undressing herself as she leads me to my bed.

I hear her shirt hit the floor and my hands travel down to her neck to feel the newly exposed skin there. I hear the sound of a zipper and now her skirt is on the carpet. I start to kiss the trail my hand had taken and kiss to her bare shoulder. I feel her hands on my waistband and I don't stop her. She moans when my hands find her breasts. Her hands pause and I begin to massage the soft round globes and my lips soon follow. My legs hit the bed and I bring my face to hers again, bringing her down onto my lap when I sit. Her hands start up again anxious to touch me and feel me in her hands. I still her and kiss her softly on her throat.

"Patience."

"Can… we…" She stops and looks away, too shy to say what she wants.

"What do you want, Sakura?" I know the answer, but I want her to say it to me.

"M-make love to me."

"You think you're ready?"

Her eyes are on mine, holding my gaze. I can see the nervous feelings shimmering inside her green orbs along with lust and longing. It sparks a fire inside me and I grind my throbbing cock in between her open legs. Her mouth opens in a silent moan and I can't help but smile at the pleasure I bring her.

"You want this?" She nods, her mouth unable to speak her answer. That isn't enough for me. "Tell me Sakura, do you want this?" I push myself against her again.

"Yes, sensei!" she cries and my dick grows harder at the title she calls me. I know I shouldn't, but the idea is to tempting to pass up.

"Say it again," I groan in her ear.

"Yes," she says, slightly unsure.

"All of it," I growl.

"Yes… Sensei." She playfully moans "_sensei_" in my ear and I pull her down onto the bed beneath me. I kiss her again while my hand unties the knot in my sweat pants to slide them down and off my legs. I break the kiss to sit up and pull my shirt off and then rejoin her.

"Are you sure you want this?" I ask. She nods eagerly and smiles up at me. I get off the bed and face her. I point at her material covering what I want most. "Take those off."

She keeps eye contact as she does so. When they are pulled from around her ankle, she dramatically drops then on the floor by my feet. She challenges me to do the same with a cocky smirk tugging at her sexy lips. She doesn't bother to cover up. She proudly shows herself to me, laying back on my bed with her hands behind her head and one leg bent. I push my boxers down and kick them to the side. I stand with my hands on my hips and match her cocky smirk with one of my own.

"You know how I hate to repeat myself, but I need to know. Is this what really what you want? Am I really what you want?"

Her hand pulls me over to the bed and I take my place on top of her. She kisses me gently on the mouth and I kiss her back.

"Yes, you are what I want."

I kiss her lips, lovingly molding my mouth to hers. Her small delicate hands play in my thick locks while my hands roam her stomach and over her well toned thighs. She willingly parts them for me. I break the kiss and start to descend, kissing my path downwards. I stop to indulge in the taste of her candy pink nipples, loving the feel of her hands fisting in my hair. I nip her lightly earning a deep sexual moan that makes me harder. I suck them till they stiffen then flick my tongue over them. She cries my name. I continue my drop down her body, caressing her along the way, leaving kisses along her flat belly. I reach her nest of pink curls and slowly continue to kiss lower; I feel her body still as I near her entrance.

"Relax and trust me, Sakura. I have done this before."

"To even a virgin?" she asks curiously looking down at my face.

I chuckle at her seriousness. I look up at her; my chin resting on her pubic nest and I let my chin brush against the soft tangles of hair surrounding her womanhood.

"No, I make it a rule to never bed virgins."

"Why?"

"Can we talk about this after?"

She doesn't answer me. She just lies back and so I continue. My mouth meets her nether lips and I kiss them passionately. She moans in approval and she tightens her grip in my silver tresses again. My tongue lazily drags between her folds up to her throbbing need. I take her between my lips and suckle gently, her hips rise to meet my face and I have to hold her still. She groans in ecstasy and she desperately tries to rock her hips against the force of my working jaws. Her arousal starts to wet my chin and I take this as my cue to enter her. I insert one finger and her walls acknowledge the action, clamping down on the imposing digit and her hips buck toward me. I hold her down again.

"Relax," I tell her again and she tries, but is failing miserably.

Her hands let me go and she fists the sheets at the intrusion of my second finger, my palm facing up, my fingers not too far inside her and stroke the area of soaking skin. Sakura's legs start to quiver and her moans become soft cries and whines. I stop, unsure if she is comfortable.

"Don't stop!" she cries aloud and I happily continue.

I let go of her pulsating clit to rise up and kiss her throat, but continue the motion between her legs with my hand. I apply more pressure to the spot of her desire. I use my other hand and press down on the area below her navel to increase simulation to the stiffing spot inside her.

"Kakashi!"

Her hands clench over my shoulders tightly and she doesn't know what to do with herself on this journey I have brought her on. She shakes her head wildly from side to side, calling my name repeatedly in a mantra. Her legs quake more and I know she is nearing her breaking point, but still I proceed.

"Wait!"

I ignore her and keep going. She starts to push me up, unsure of her body's reactions to my administrations. I press more firmly and continue my advances.

"Trust me, Sakura. What you are feeling is normal, just like when we were on the balcony. Just let yourself go…"

She relaxes a little but her body is still tense. I push my fingers forcefully inside her and she moans deep and loud.

"Don't hold back Sakura, I don't want you to."

My voice is deep and raspy, but she does what I say and let's go. I flick my fingers from side to side quickly and she cries out her release.

"Ah, ah, ah, ah, Kashi! Mmm!"

Like a breaking dam, she floods over my hand and over my comforter. She arches her back and clutches me to her bosom. I hear her breathe roughly into my ear. I don't wait for her to come down; I take my place between her legs again, my neglected member aching with the need to release. I press into her and go as far as she lets me. I'm over taken by her extreme tightness. She stiffens uncomfortably and I stop to let her readjust to me being inside her. I rest my head on her shoulder and wait and when she allows it, I move deeper inside her to only be stopped again.

"Are you sure Sakura? I can stop," I tell her this, but I really don't believe it.

She nods her head to reassure me she is ready. I move again and I fill her completely. I start off slow, letting her get use to the feel of me moving inside of her. She holds onto me as I move and I can feel her discomfort.

"Are you okay?" I whisper into the crook of her neck where I kiss and lick her tenderly. She nods quickly. I push myself up on to my elbow and speed up a bit more. "Move with me Sakura."

I place my hand on her hip to show her the way I need her to move and soon she picks it up and starts to do it on her own. I pump a little harder and she starts to moan in pleasure.

"You like that?" I groan in her ear, letting my breath linger on her neck as I speak.

"Um hmm…" She hums, but that's not the answer I want so I pull out slowly and dip inside her hard, she cries aloud.

"Tell me, do you like it?" I growl.

"Yes…" She sighs.

I slow my pace and lengthen my strokes. "Yes, what?"

"Yes, Yes… Sensei!"

The cry echoes in my ear and it drives me wild. Sakura's moans and sighs grow louder and I find myself groaning along with her. Our bodies move together, heated and sweaty. I lift her leg up and stretch it outward and angle my thrusts up. She arches her back and her small hands grip my forearms. I lean in over her and capture her lips between mine. My body is burning all over and shivers of delight coarse though me. Her walls are quivering around me and tightness is sucking me in. I feel my end nearing, but I push myself to keep it lasting so I slow down.

"No… faster please…Sensei!"

Her call is like honey coating my needs and I have no other choice, but to do what she asks. I pump into her faster and I can feel the spice of release building up inside me. I watch as her face changes and she starts to rock her hips into me recklessly. I can't hold back anymore and I too lose control. My body crashes tightly against hers, rocketing in and out of her, desperate for release. Her arms lock around my neck and our lips crash into each other's. I break free of her mouth to growl out my release. I go to pull myself out of her, but the strength of her arms around me keeps me in place. She pushes hard against my pelvis and her head falls back onto my pillow with a silent cry at her lips.

I keep pushing within her and spill deep in her womb. Our bodies collapse into each other, breathless and tired. I don't bother to pull away from her, what was done was done and I might as well enjoy her wrapped around me. I kiss her neck and smooth damp locks from her forehead and tell her how beautiful she is beneath me. She is too exhausted to respond to me so I roll from my position to her side and pull her back to my chest, spooning her small frame. I some hear the soft sound of Sakura's breathing. When I look down at her, she is sleeping. I reach over her to turn off the lamp then settle back down next to the sleeping beauty. I lay my head down on top of hers and find sleep myself.

* * *

I wake to the sound of knocking on my door; I look over at my alarm clock and see that it's only 9:36 P.M it is still pretty early, but I am still quite tired. I get off the bed without disturbing Sakura and cover her up with my old green comforter. I put back on my sweats then dig through my desk for a face mask and pull it over my face while walking to the door. I open it to find Naruto and Kiba. Nerves ripple through my gut and I fight the urge to look behind me to see if Sakura's hair was covered. I slide my foot to the side to make sure her boots are not showing. I focused back on Naruto, who looks concerned and Kiba too.

"What's wrong?" I ask trying to sound as calm as possible.

"Sakura's mom is in the hospital so I went to see if she was okay, but she wasn't home. I know this is hard on her, but I can't find her anywhere to talk to her. I've been looking all day so when it got dark, I got worried and I asked Kiba to help find her and-"

"And her scent led here," I finished.

I then look over at Kiba and his facial expression changed. I didn't like the change I saw. I know he can smell her on me and I am sure he can smell the sex all over me too.

"Yeah! Is she here? Can we come in and talk to her?" Naruto asked concern written on his face.

"I can smell her here!" Kiba yells.

I can hear the shifting of Sakura moving behind me in the bed, but I keep looking out the door.

"Kakashi?" I hear her call for me and I quickly step out of the house.

"I'll be right there," I call over my shoulder to her. Thank the gods her voice still sounds deep and tired. I close the door behind me. "Can you keep it down? I have company over and yes Sakura was here but that was hours ago. She probably just wants to be left alone, let her be Naruto. She didn't run away."

Kiba snorts in disgust; he has a very doubtful look on his face. If there was a saying that I would live by it would be that the nose knows no lies and I'm certain Kiba lives by that and me and dog boy exchange glances that Naruto doesn't pick up on. I cross my arms.

"She came over this morning crying. She told me what happened with her mother." I tell Naruto this and hope that it eases his mind that she has spoken to someone.

"Kakashi-Sensei, you wouldn't lie to me would you?" Naruto asks and the look in his eyes concerns me, he seems to suspect something.

"Do you have something you wish to ask to me Naruto?" I ask slightly harder than I mean to.

"Yes there is. I heard some staff around the tower saying that you and Sakura-chan were sleeping together. Is that true?"

"No it isn't. Sakura and I were never sleeping with each other." I don't hesitate to speak on this and I technically didn't lie, I just shortened the truth. We weren't sleeping together until tonight. "Who said this?" I ask.

"Anko… but I have suspicions. The way you two were looking at each other on her birthday was… different." Naruto and I look each other in the eye. I know he wants me to be honest with him.

"Is that a problem?" I ask. Naruto is silent and so is Kiba. Perhaps this question surprised him. "Do you not trust me with her?" He is still silent. I sigh and scratch the back of my head. "Sakura isn't here like I said; maybe you should just wait it out. I have a busy day tomorrow."

I'm lying. I don't have shit to do tomorrow but I am tired as hell.

"Okay, go back to bed. I'm sorry we woke you and your friend."

With that, they both left and I went back inside. I close and lock the door then went back to the bed. I take off the mask and lay it on the shelf above my bed. I look down at the still sleeping girl; the full moon's light shining on her cotton candy tresses. I comb my fingers through it and she begins to wake. Her eyes open and she looks up at me.

"What happened, Kashi?" Her voice if sleepy and I smile at the nickname she gave me.

"It was nothing; go back to sleep."

I get back in bed and lie down behind her. I didn't feel like getting into talking about Naruto or the fact that Anko was talking about us behind our backs to everyone in the village. All I really want to do is sleep and as sleep finally creeps up on me, a small voice echoes from the darkness.

"Kakashi are you awake?"

I open my eyes to see Sakura leaning over me. "What?" I groan unpleasantly.

"Kashi, I think someone is on the roof across from your place."

I tilt my head up to look out the window without sitting up. I can see the roof tops just fine, but I don't see anyone.

"Why do you think that?" I ask her.

I can see her face with the light from the moon outside of the window. She looks worried so I sit up and lean onto my shelf to look out of it.

"I also thought I heard something on your roof. It sounded too heavy to be a cat."

I still don't see anything, but now I'm concerned. There might be someone watching my place, looking to see if Sakura is really here, but that could just be me being paranoid. It could be some young kids trying to find a romantic spot to fuck. I look at my clock. It's 11:57. It's still early and it was a Friday. It could be some drunken ninja leaving the bar not too far from my apartment too. Whoever or whatever it was is gone now.

"Don't worry about it. It's not like someone is going to crash into my window and attack us. That would be stupid." I lay back down and she cuddles up next to me.

"I guess you're right." I hear her say.

I make myself more comfortable on my twin sized bed and start to fall back to sleep and this time I am not disturbed by people knocking at the door or the worrying of the pink haired girl sleeping in my bed. When I wake the next morning, it is to Sakura leaning over me. She smiles and I smile back.

"Are you that cautious about your face?" she asks.

"What do you mean?"

"You sleep with your hand over your face. Did you know that?"

I shake my head. I really didn't know I sleep that way, but then again I live day to day wearing a mask, it makes a little sense.

"Why do you wear a mask anyway? Your face is… beautiful." She turns red while she says this, I find it adorable.

"You would think it was stupid."

I sit up in the bed and prop my pillow behind me. Sakura sits on her legs and waits for me to talk. "Please, I won't think that."

I shrug my shoulders. "Okay then, I wear a mask because I'm what you said: I'm beautiful." She didn't look like she believes me so I elaborate. "I look a lot like my mother more than my father. Yes I have his eyes and his hair, but besides that, I look like my mom. When I was small, people would always mistake me for a little girl and so when I entered the academy, I started to wear the mask mainly because I didn't want to be teased, but then people said that it was cool. I really hated my face when I was little and I still don't like to take pictures without my mask."

She sat back to take everything I said in and she seems to understand. She looks pretty surprised that I told her this though; I guess people don't really think I can be an open book.

"It's a lot like me with my forehead. I used to cover it up with my bangs."

I smile at what she has shared with me. I find her forehead cute and it suits her face perfectly. I lean in and kiss her there. "I like your forehead."

She smiles and blushes, shying away a bit. I look out the window to see that the day was gray and rain water ran down my windowpane. I noticed I didn't close the curtain like I usually do when she is over. I was too caught up with fighting with Sakura to do it. I know I have a nosy neighbor across from me, but maybe she wasn't being nosy last night and didn't see anything.

"Kakashi-Sensei what's wrong?"

I look at her to see her sweet young face looking into mine, concerned with what is going on in my mind. "Nothing… Sakura. I don't have a shower for you to get cleaned up in."

"Is that your way of telling me to go home?" She gazes down so I don't see the look of disappointment on her face but I see it nonetheless.

"No I don't want you to leave, but Naruto was looking for you last night and I think that maybe you should go and talk to him. He's very worried."

"Oh, I see. " She gets off the bed and starts gather her clothes and get dressed. She seems a bit upset. Perhaps she thinks I'm lying. I move and sit on the edge of the bed.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask.

She has her back to me, but I can feel the anger radiating off her. "I am entitled to my feelings."

I feel a bit like a child that just got scolded for doing something I shouldn't but I don't know what it was. "What did I do wrong?"

She turns her pink head around to look at me. "Nothing, I'll go home and shower before going to talk to Naruto."

She finishes getting dressed then walks over to me to give me a kiss on the head. When did the teacher become the child? I know the saying only a man can make a girl into a woman, but I didn't think it would work that fast. Sakura walks over to the door and puts on her shoes.

"I'll come over later on tonight okay?" I nod silently and watch as she opens the door. She pauses and so do I. I quickly turn and put on the mask I had discarded last night and rush over to the door.

"Naruto it's not what you think!" I hear Sakura yell. I look over at Naruto who has a very shocked and angry look on his face.

"I'm sorry Naruto." I can't hide what is obvious.

* * *

So I just could not help but let them get caught... I know evil me... but we will get to the bottom of this soon. Also, I know I don't specify why Sakura's Mother is in the hospital it will come in chapter 5. don't forget to please review. Love you all much! ^_^

Chapter 5: This broken Man

oh and if you like Anko you probably won't like chapter 5... just saying


	5. This Broken Man

So my computer wins another battle against a deadly virus! Here is chapter 5 it took some time to get it together. but it worked out in the end thank you to all that review ^_^ I love you all! So this chapter was originally written as a two part story but I decided to save the two part Naruto special for chapter 6 or 7. I hope you all like this chapter I really enjoyed writing it.

thank you and please review (^_-) *wink*

This fic was Beta read by DarkSacredJewelXoX

* * *

Dear Diary

* * *

Chapter 5: This Broken Man

You can hold her hand  
and show her how you cry  
Explain to her your weakness  
so she understands  
and then roll over and die

* * *

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a little scared, I felt more than that. I wouldn't have expected Naruto to be here on my door step again this early in the morning.

"Naruto it's not what you think!" I hear her call as I approach the door. I look over at Naruto who has a very shocked and angry look on his face.

"I'm sorry Naruto." I can't hide what is obvious… but I can try.

"What's going on? Kakashi-sensei, you said that she wasn't here last night so what is she doing here now?!" Naruto bellowed in a high-pitched whine.

"She showed up an hour ago, Naruto relax." I stated simply. Sakura looked from me than to Naruto.

"I really needed to talk to someone so I stopped by to talk to Kakashi… sensei."

"But I thought you were here yesterday and where have you been the whole night? I had Kiba helping me look all over for you I even had Hinata use her Byakugan to help find you… but that turned up useless." Naruto looked down at his feet and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"I do have places I go to be alone you know! I don't need you and everyone else worrying about my feeling!"

She argued and huffed. I've been getting the feeling that Sakura is trying to fight off her emotions for her mother and maybe even her feeling towards what happened with Sasuke by being here with me. I don't want to regret what happened between us last night or any other day before this, but I really don't want to be the one she keeps relying on in these situations… I think, I may be repeating myself when I say that but maybe this _is_ just a very big mistake.

Naruto's face relaxed a bit when he turns to look back to sakura, "… okay then, I sorry." I release a breath I didn't know I was holding, I can't believe he actually bought that, but I guess he would rather _believe it_than get his ass kicked by Sakura questioning it.

"Are you okay Sakura, do you know how your mother is?" he asks, sounding concerned.

Sakura gave a frustrated sigh and pushed her way passed the hyper active blonde and down the hall of my apartment building. "Aren't you going to go after her?" I ask and he turns his attention back to me.

"I didn't come here for Sakura-chan… Tsunade sent me to tell you she wants you in her office; we have a mission. I'll go and talk to Sakura and tell her about it. We leave tomorrow."

* * *

I guess we dodged the bullet this time, but what else is in store for us? Maybe I'm not paranoid after all and Sakura hearing someone on the roof last night could have been some one sneaking around and trying to find out what's going on between us. Maybe that's really why I'm getting called to Tsunade's office, maybe Anko's gossip spread to Tsunade ear. If so, I could consider myself dead; Sakura isn't eighteen so what I'm doing is still illegal… I really don't want to go to prison over what my dick wants, but I guess I walked right into that one. I arrive at Tsunade's office and stop at the door. I draw a deep breath and let it out slowly as I open the door and inter her office. I watch her look up from her stack of scattered papers on her desk and over to me.

"You're here, Good. All thought I wasn't expecting you to show for about another hour of two." I walk forward and stop a foot away from her desk.

"You have a mission for us?" I'm trying not to sound panicked as much as possible; Tsunade has the habit of letting you think nothing is wrong till you least expect it.

"I take it Naruto said something about that. Well it's true, I do have a mission for your teamand you."

She hands me the paper and I take it and look over it. "It's in the land of Mist."I state out loud. It's a mission to help look for a missing scroll that was stolen from a secret shrine. It wasn't a hard mission and a three man cell would make this go fast.

"Will you take it?" Her honey eyes watch for my response.

"Do we have a choice?" I ask dryly and she laughs, but it's not a laugh that sounds like it has humor behind it.

"You're dismissed Hatake." I turn and walk towards the door and when I open it I hear her voice calling behind me.

"Oh Kakashi," Here it comes, "have you by chance heard the rumor going around lately?" I stop and turn around. "I have…" I wait for her to continue; I know there is more she wants to say.

"And has Sakura heard this rumor?"

"She has," I reply.

"And what is your defense on these accusations Hatake?"

She leans back in her large chair and folds her arms; her blonde ponytails hang down on either side of her face across her shoulders. I know she's trying to read, but I stand unmoved and unfazed by her questions, my face is emotionless.

"I don't have one… should I? It's only a rumor."

There is a long pause as she lets my answer sink in. "Your mission starts tomorrow morning Hatake, don't forget to stop by the administration office to talk to Iruka." I nod and she goes back to looking over her work so I leave her office with a snap of the door behind me. I smile to myself and lean against the hall wall; either I am a really good liar or people are just really gullible.

* * *

At the administration office while walking to the elevator, bad karma caught up with me. Anko smirked at me as she entered the confined space and stood behind me. I press one of the buttons and the elevator starts to move up. I say nothing to her although I would love to throw her against the wall, but she might take that as rough foreplay. The elevator stops and the metallic double doors open to reveal a male medic-nin and a female chunin, They both entered the small car and pressed their floor number; the doors closed again and started to move up closer to my level. I feel Anko's body slightly press against my back and the heat of her breath on the back of my neck. I take it she had curry for breakfast… ugh, I hate curry and it's not even a breakfast food!

"I know what you did last night," she whispers to me, but I say nothing.

The other two people in the elevator don't seem to hear what she said. The medic-nin was busy with the data pinned down to his clip board and the young chunin was occupied with texting on her cell phone and listing to her iPod that was blaring in her ears.

"Or should I say who you did last night." She giggles after this statement.

I can feel the anger welling inside the pit of my stomach, my brows furrow irritably. I feel the need to turn on her, but I hold my composure. The elevator dings and the doors open to an empty hall. The man and young girl exit the car and the doors come closed again, leaving me and Anko alone. The car starts to move up again and I move quickly, slamming my hand down on to the stop button. I turn swiftly on her and close the gap between us, sending her to the far corner of the elevator car.

"What do you want?!" I growl, slamming my hand open palm against the side wall of the elevator.

"I want you in bed with me tonight."

She folds her arms and she gives her head a slight movement of sassy attitude. I don't like her tone or this sick game she's attempting to play with me. My eyes narrow and my shoulders start to bunch with tension as I start to lean over her.

"You want me to whore myself to you?"

I ask with a hint of a chuckle behind my words. I couldn't help but laugh at the thought.

"Well I wasn't planning on paying you, but if its money you want for is I can do that," She states with humor.

"I don't whore myself, Anko."

"You're a shinobi. We all whore ourselves at one point in time for the sake of the village or for the sake of a mission." Her sassy attitude was back.

"We or just you?" I turn back to the elevator buttons and reach out the restart the car.

"So you're going to throw your career and your life away for a little piece of young virgin pussy?"

My hand stills at the button. "Anko…" My tone is dangerous and I turn to her again.

"You want to be ridiculed and cast out by friends just like you father?"

I cross my arms and stand up straight. So it wasn't paranoia, someone was on the roof last night and it was Anko looking for evidence and she found it. I feel like such an idiot.

"You're going to black mail me Anko?" I will myself to stay calm and level headed. "Why and for what? Money or just sex ... I've see you go through men like Tsunade goes through sake so why me? What all because you're jealous of a seventeen year old girl?"

"I know what I want Kakashi so what's it going to be? A quick fuck in this elevator or photos of you giving it to your seventeen year old student dropped down on Tsunade's desk?" She smiles like she has won.

"I thought you said in bed?" Maybe she has won.

"There's no better time than the present. So what will it be Hatake?" she asks with a pinch of pride. I find it sick and I think this woman is twisted, but I can't let what she's planed to happen, especially not to Sakura. I hang my head nod my yes, defeated by blackmail. I feel her hands on my belt; my stomach churns and I have to stop her.

"I'm not doing this without a condom…"

I don't look at her, but I hear the scrap of her hand in her pocket and she pulls out the small packet and then continues to unbuckle my belt and unfasten my pants. I clench my eyes shut and will away the feeling of nausea as she moves to kneel on the elevator's floor. She removes me from my pants and I feel the warmth and wetness of her mouth around my limp member. She works me till I'm fully erect and then she stands and faces me ready for her next course.

"Turn around." I order and she hands me the packet then does what I say, lifting up her skirt and leaning forward for me. I open the condom packet with shaky hands and manage to work the condom over my dick. I position myself behind her and lean into her back.

"You breathe a word of this to anyone you will have a fate worse than death and I want the photos tonight." She nods with a smile on her face, happy she got her way. I place one hand on her hip and use the other to guide my shaft inside her. She releases a sound that sounds a lot like a kitten crying for its mother's milk. I feel her warmth around me, but it's nothing like Sakura's. I feel like a snake dropped in a rabbit hole. All I can think of is Sakura and how this could hurt her, but this is my life's work on the line I don't feel like I have a choice.

* * *

The elevator doors opens and I walk off without a backwards glance. I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like dirt and grime is clinging to every inch of me. My foot steps are heavy as I reach Iruka's office; the door is open so I knock on the wood frame to get his attention. He looks up, one ear occupied with the reserve of the touchtone phone in his hand. The look on his face changes from a pleasant greeting to one of concern. I guess I look like shit after my sexual assault in the elevator. I certainly feel shitty.

I drop the paper work on his desk and leave before he could comment on my appearance. I make it out the building without running into my elevator rapist and arrive home without any stops either. I walk up the steps, past my door, and into the building's shared bathroom. It was a small shower stall rather than a bathroom. The walls and bathroom floor were covered in tacky pink tiles and there is one chair sitting by the door. I strip off my clothes and drop them on the seat of the chair then pull back the yellow curtain, the only object separating the small room in two; if you can call it a room at all.

I start the water and when the water gets to hot I turn it up even more and let the smoldering heat coat my skin, turning it from the usual cream color to an inflamed red. I lean forward against the cool tiles and let the water burn down my back and down to heat my naked legs. I use the soap someone left on the floor of the shower to scrub my skin clean although I don't feel clean enough. I really don't think I ever will. I feel used and filthy now and I don't know what I'm going to do with my relationship with Sakura. Do I tell her what I did with Anko? No, I think that would be a bad idea, but I do thing its time I call it off.

* * *

I turn off the water, pull aside the plastic sheet and walk over to the chair. I slip back on my pants without my boxers, put back on my sandals, and leave the stall. I walked back down the hall to my room. I close the door behind me and drop my clothes on the floor. I really feel like burning them though. I take off my sandals and pants again then walk over to my closet, pull out my fading green pajama and put them on. I don't bother to button up the shirt as I climb in my unmade bed. As disturbed as my mind feels right now, somehow I find sleep.

I wake to the sound of a loud knocking at my door. I slide from the bed, stand, and walk to the door.

"Who is it?" My voice is raw from sleep and my mind is still groggy.

"It's me…" I hit my head against the surface of the door and curse under my breath.

"Kakashi?" She sounds concerned, probably from hearing the bang on the opposite side of the door.

"Go home Sakura."

"No, open the door. What's wrong with you!?" She argues back. I can just picture her on the other end standing with her hands on the curve of her sexy hips. I can't seem to say no to people today and I open the door to let her in. I close the door and she turns to me; her face is sad and I instantly worry that she knows about my elevator journey to hell.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"It's my mom; I just wish I could do something for her." She walks over to my bed and take a seat, but I stay standing.

"You still haven't told me what's wrong with her." But I guess I didn't ask either.

"She has breast cancer." It's interesting how we have all these medical jutsus, but we still can't save people from illnesses like cancer. She lies down on the mattress and snuggles into my pillow. I love the image of her on my bed. She makes me feel so reckless and wild and hungry like a starving predator. I walk into my small kitchen and open one of the top cabinets to retrieve two mugs and I sit them on the counter top.

"You want some tea?" I ask while I fill my metal kettle with tap water, place it on the stove, and turn it on high.

"No thanks." I hear her move off the bed.

I open another cabinet to get the box of tea bags. I try to ignore her approach behind me. I bring the box down and remove two bags; my hand are shaking and I don't understand why I feel nervous. Her hands link around my waist and she hugs me. I try to think of something else than her breasts pressed against my back.

"Are you sure you don't want any?" My voice sounds dry when I speak. She doesn't seem to notice and lays her face against the back.

"Kakashi… do you… do you lo-"

"Sakura I'm really tired and you should really go home and pack for our mission tomorrow. Naruto did tell you right?" I cut her off. I already know what she was going to ask and quite frankly, I don't know what the answer would be. I don't want to hurt her and I really don't know what to do anymore. I unlock her grip around me and turn off the stove. When the kettle starts to sing, I don't make myself a cup. I turn around to walk over to the door, but she refuses to move.

"Is there something wrong Kakashi?"

"There's nothing wrong, I can't ask you for a night alone?" Of course I'm lying, but she's also frustrating me.

"I just thought that all guys want their girlfriends stay the night…" She blushes and it makes me feel bad.

"You're not my girlfriend Sakura…"

I look away from her when I say this I don't want to see the tears that start the fall from her eyes, to see the sparkle of moisture in her oceans of green. I find her beautiful, her face showing all the emotions she feels; I envy her ability to show sadness and cry and show how much she love someone, even an asshole like me. I can't be like her. I can't show her my feelings so openly and maybe that's why it hurts me so much to see her like this.

"I see…" her says with a hiccup of a sob before her words.

My heart hurts and I lean against the counter. If I'm to end this it should be now.

"Did you ever love me?" Her voice is small but I hear her words.

"No…" I really don't know, but perhaps I do and I'm just afraid of my life's curse and I just don't want to lose her like I have lost everyone else I love.

"Then why did you have sex with me last night!?" She's yelling at me now and I feel her small fists pounding at my chest, but there is no power behind them. I don't move. I just let her take out her emotions on me; I feel like I deserve it.

"Because you wanted me to. Isn't that why you come here? You love the idea of being with me, but in the end its just infatuation; you don't really love me. I'm just your replacement for Sasuke…" She stops and moves away from me like my body had caught fire and looks up at my face, searching for something. I avert my eyes from hers and look at the floor.

"Do you really believe that?" she asks me between sobs, but I stay silent.

"Kakashi, do you really think that way?" Someone once said the same words to me so many years ago. Back then I was just running away from my emotional attachment to other people and perhaps that what I am doing now.

"I don't love you Sakura." I move and walk over to the door again. She follows me, but places her hand on the door keeping me from opening it.

"You know what I think?" I look her in the eyes and shake my head.

"I think you're just afraid to love me…"

"You're always right Sakura…"

She shakes her head like she feels sorry for me. I feel sorry for myself too, but I'm not the kind of guy that sits and talks about his feelings. I open the door but she doesn't move.

"Why are you doing this? I know you don't want to." Her voice is sad and she looks very much her age.

"Why do you fight so hard to keep this relationship of ours? I can't be your boyfriend. I can't walk down the street with you and hold your hand, so why?" I ask.

"Because I want you… I love you."

"I'm a monster Sakura, you don't love me. No one can love me." I open the door wider, place my hand on her arm and usher her out the door.

"What could make you a monster?" she asks me and I just shake my head and start to close the door.

"I'm cursed Sakura, anyone I love will die. Don't love me…"

I close the door and lock it, but I know she's still standing on the other side. I lean my back against the door and I can feel her leaning against the other side.

"I will never stop loving you…" I hear faintly though the thin wood of the door and then the slow footsteps retreating from it. I think this is for the best; she needs someone her own age her to love her, someone who isn't emotionally broken and someone who can tell her how he feels about her without making her cry.

And that man isn't me…

* * *

So that was chapter 5 crazy I know! and it is only going to get wilder with a mission and other crazy drama! you don't want to miss it! ^_^

Chapter 6: Accidental happenings


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